Growing up does not mean growing wise, it just means you learn how to adapt
Note: I wrote this in a notebook while sitting in a hotel room in Rochester, IN this past Friday (6/25) after having driven 9hrs from central PA for a job interview. Some of the questions have been resolved/decided on since I wrote this and made another 9hr drive back home on Saturday.
Today, I felt inspired by TV... yes, me, the guy who watches TV perhaps 4hrs a week. I don't mean one of those life-changing inspirational moments, and the line itself wasn't even all that stellar or original, but it strick the right note with me at the right time and summed up my mentally confused state as of late. The line was from Joan of Arcadia, it went something like this: (not exact as I didn't write it down as soon as it was said)
Joan: I thought one day you just woke up with all the answers. [In reference to growing up]
Joan's Mom: Most of the time there are no answers, just more questions.
Once again, not the greatest line, nor the most original as I've heard this in one form or another dozens of times in the past few years as I've both watched my friends around me start to grow up and seen how I myself have changed. It has been insane, one of my best friends has a baby, is married and is close to closing on a house, all of this and he's not even 22 yet! I've watched him grow from a goofy kid with no responsibilities to one of the most responsible and dedicated people I know.
Some of my other friends have finished college and gotten jobs, some of them aren't quite finished yet, and others may nevr make it. I've been down with school for almost 7 months now and in that time I've started and ended a relationship, lost some friends and strengthened my ties ot others, played best man at a wedding, gone through countless interviews for jobs, taken a trip to New Zealand with another of my best friends, managed to complicate and risk my friendship with another and now I'm sitting in a hotel room in the middle of Indiana. In the past 3 months I've traveled almost 20,000 miles. It's amazing really, so much has happened that I thought I'd never see, and it's all happened in a short period of time. I don't think any of us could predict a year ago where we'd all be today. And today, I have no idea where I'll be a year from now.
Now, I'm faced with an insanely difficult question, a variant on the same one I've both asked and had asked of myself by others countless times since I was old enough to think about the future...
What do I want to do with my life?
This question takes many forms, it started out as the seemingly innocent "What do you want to be when you grow up?" When I was little, I had no clue how important this question would become. I've seen a more refined version of this question in my job interviews.
Where do you see yourself/Where would you like to be in X years?
For the sake of discussion, lets make X = 4. I realized that my answer has changed drastically depending on where in my life I was when asked..
14 (9th grade) - A freshman in college, studying computers, might have a girlfriend by this point .
(Surprisingly accurate actually)
18 (Freshman) - Done with school, have a good high-paying job, hopefully with a serious long-term girlfriend. Out of State College
22 (Now) - Established in a decent job, married or getting close to it
My overall goals have growin increasingly non-specific and broad. Asking me what I wanted more immediately at any point in those years and I probably would give a specific list of things. Probably some computer stuff, money, maybe a car or perhaps Aleta would suddenly want to date me. All short-term, all fairly selfish and all pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme. At the time you don't realize that most of your wants and desires are temporary, that if you got your wish the results would be fleeting, it's only when on the verge of a major change that you have the ability to properly reflect back on your actions and words and get a clearer picture of what you've done. You can take anything I've said or done in the past 22 years and use it as an answer to the following question:
What do I want?
What did I want? A cookie before dinner. To stay at a friends house over night. To get the car for an evening. To be given a chance in a relationship. To go to college. To get a good job. To have a fulfilling life.
Some of these are noble, some are trivial, others are selfish. In the end you can look at each and every response and more or less get the following answer:
I have no real clue what I want.
In most cases I never really knew what to do once I got what I wanted, the reality of it never matched my fantasy, my expectations.
* I didn't really know what to do when I graduated from High School
* I didn't really know what to do when I started college.
* I didn't really know what to do whenever I got a girlfriend (and in some cases they were the ones who had to pay for my inexperience and my failings)
* I didn't really know what to do when I graduated from college.
* I didn't really know what to do to get a job.
* Now, I don't really know which job to take.
I'm in Indiana to interview for an IT job with a fuel reseller/convenience store chain. The job is right up my alley, very technical, lots of room to learn and grow, a good work environment and a good commitment to technology.
The problem is, I have to weigh this against the offer I have from CIGNA (got the call last monday, 6/21) to work in their IT Project Management group up in CT.
This is the conflict: The IN job is the job I'd more enjoy, but I don't think I could be happy living in that area. It's too small and way too far away from anything resembling civilization or home... That is not a drive I want to make several times a year. The CIGNA job is good, but not as well suited to me as the other, but it is in a place I could live, closer to friends and a drive home wouldn't take 10hrs on toll roads. CIGNA also offers more overall growth potential. The IN job offers job security and control over what I do.
Now I have to decide where to start my career, where to launch this next major phase of my life.
I have no more answers to questions than I did 7 months ago, I just have a new set of questions and a completely different group of issues to deal with. It's tough, and it's not something people warn you about, it's sugar coated over by teachers, parents, friends and family. I'm not complaining really, these are things I know I need to deal with, and the fact that these are choices I have to make mean that I'm moving forward in life, not standing still, it's just difficult to come to grips with. I'll learn, I'll adapt and I'll come out of it on top, of that I have no doubt, but the journey is going to be tough.
No answers, just more questions, always more questions...